im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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