True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
