I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
there is puke in my bra ... again
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