He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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