y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
