Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
