where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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