i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
