This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
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