I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is my gift to your gina
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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