pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
