How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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