I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
