I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
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Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.