so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.