textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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