im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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