we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
