I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
