watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
