I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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