Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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