He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
