I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
