We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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