just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
