Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
This baby is an asshole
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
