I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
