I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
