thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Just pee around me
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Randomize
