i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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