I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
