Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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