First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Randomize
