She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
