bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
