I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
