but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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