we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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