did you get engaged???
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
