I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
you traded sex for a burrito?
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
