Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
