You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
