After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
