I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
