she was so not down for the gang bang
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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