He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
