I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
