Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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