Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
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dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
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Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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