I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
