I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
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