When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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