low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
