the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Princesses don't give blow jobs
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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