id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
