Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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