how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Randomize
